When you’re a girl, the grooming of you begins quite early so as to ensure that you’re attractive enough to catch the fancy of some imaginary man in the future. While these efforts are often well intentioned, they at times lead to unsavory outcomes. This is especially true for black girls, where majority come from a community overburdened with broken homes. Generational sabotage is prevalent in black households and dark-skinned black women are the most effected.
As is often the case, the sabotage is unintentional and we don’t even realize just how crippled our upbringing has made us until we begin to make an effort at forming our own families and sharing the most intimate aspects about our lives with others. Families are the flowerbeds from which the next generation of our community will spring from so it’s important that we give more sage advice on how to nurture the seeds we want to sew. If you’re ready for a serious relationship there is one skill you must become proficient in if your parents have neglected to teach you and that is how to properly vet.
Despite how often it is that we women harp to other women and girls about the importance of properly vetting a man, rarely do we ever talk about what that looks like. Most older women have the experience needed to understand the ins and out of the process, but for less experienced women there can be many misconceptions. For a lot of women, the vetting process is short lived and after a few talks and coffee dates they’ve made a decision, but vetting a man doesn’t end after the first few dates he’s taken you on.
There are too many of us (and I’ve been guilty of this myself) who take the process out of the vetting. We treat it like a brief survey that can be turned in after he’s listed his occupation, relationships goals, and hobbies. If we like what we hear enough we then tend to think why not give it a chance? This line of reasoning is juvenile and flawed.
It's also behind why so many women wound up attached to men that can't offer no more than community dick and stress. When your mothers and aunties are telling you to vet a man, they don’t just mean that you should hear if he has potential. Your vetting process should detail things he must prove to you in order for him to be given serious consideration.Your vetting process should only be satisfied after his actions have met your demands. Not his words.
And in most cases, if he can’t do it twice, he hasn’t done it at all. The honeymoon phase is always nice because people are always on their best behavior in the beginning. If after a while he can't keep up with his previous actions then you can walk away from the facade. Getting to know you is a process and if he can’t hang on long enough for you to make your call then let him go. A lot of girls find themselves bitter after having had a series of unfortunate relationships all because they neglected to properly perform the vetting process or neglected the process all together. If your looking for a serious relationship this step is vital and if you’re not, it helps to perform the process anyway.
In order to properly execute the vetting process you should have solid ideas of what you want from a relationship and what you want from a partner. I even recommend writing this part out. Create a list of what you liked about previous partners and what you disliked. Figure out what your limitations are and before you become too invested in the guy courting you, give the relationship enough time to settle in. Create your boundaries and stick to them.
That’s ultimately what the vetting process is; A boundary you set between yourself and the interested that can only be removed when someone has achieved a certain status in your hierarchy of relationships. People with boundaries have a more solid identity, confidence, and values. All of these things make a person happier in life in addition to it being an attractive quality.
The vetting process can be applied to more than just your dating life, but it should be especially applied here. Starting families and forming intimate relationships leaves you and others vulnerable and that vulnerability should be protected. The vetting process acts as a protective barrier of sorts. Many black women aren’t properly taught how to create these protective barriers and as such, find themselves feeling stressed over and intimately fatigued by partners that shouldn’t be a disturbance to your peace. So don’t neglect the vetting process black women and most importantly: don’t forget that the vetting process is a process.
Lilith is a blogger with an emphasis in writing and reflecting upon social agendas that effect black women. When not at her computer writing she is more than likely still at her computer, programming. On the rare occasion that Lilith isn't at her laptop you can attempt to find her exploring the Chicago food scene or attending workshops in creative writing.