We’ve all been there before. In a relationship with a man who’s taking more than he’s worth. Perhaps he invoked the gift of gab and charmed his way into your heart. Perhaps your hot girl summer got a little out of control and now that it’s over you don’t know what to do with the “toys” you’ve acquired.
Maybe he approached you when your self-esteem was low, but now that you’re back in your power his presence has you questioning, was it really that bad? Were you really that sad? Maybe you actually liked him at one point, but the woman you’re becoming needs a different kind of man. Whatever the case is, breaking up with your boy toy or bum can be hard. But being with him is hard too. It’s time to pick your hard.
This is not the easiest approach by any measure, however being straightforward is the best method of ending things with someone. It’s also the more classier and mature way to deliver a breakup. If he wasn’t a douche bag the least you can do is respect this other person by being decent enough to be upfront. Just because he's a bum that doesn't automatically make him a bad person undeserving of your decency. Take some time to think about why it is that you want to brakeup and talk in person or call the guy you’re seeing. Avoid texting your brake-up spiel. In clear and concise words tell him that you want to brakeup and why. It’s really just that simple. The difficulty with breakups comes from his response and your feelings, mostly.
Quiet as it’s kept, men are some of the biggest drama queens in existence. So, breaking up with a guy can take on a whole new level of difficulty when his emotions become engaged. Unfortunately, you never really know if your guy is going to be stalker-ish, psychotic, or physically aggressive post brake-up until you deliver the news. They can have been as normal as anyone during the relationship, but the idea of you wanting to breakup with them can send them into a narcissistic rage. Your form and image become the targets for destruction.
If you feel your guy might fall into any of those categories there are methods for ending things in a way that keeps you fairly safe. This method doesn’t prevent guys from freaking out, but it helps to immediately sever ties between you and him. Ghosting has been around for a while now, and I’ve used it on many a loser or creep. Though, if you’ve known the guy a long time the idea of ghosting may appear useless. Breaking up in a public space is helpful as well. There is no clear-cut formula for how to spot these guys, there’s just ways for spotting men most likely to perpetuate these narcissistic rage attacks.
While smooth breakups are rare, don’t let the possibility of a tumultuous one stop you from doing the deed (Or breaking the deed). If you truly no longer want to be with someone you owe it to them and especially to yourself to move on. Especially if he's a dusty. A man who doesn't add to your life in any tangible way is leeching off you so cut your loses. The sooner you do it the better, you'll thank yourself later. And yes, breaking up just because you want to, is a reason too. Just because there’s nothing wrong with someone doesn’t mean that they’re right for you.
One of the most difficult breakups I've ever had was with a man whose company I enjoyed. He was romantic, generous, funny and attractive. Loved me and showed it in most of his actions. But I felt like he was rushing things too quickly for us. There was something off to our dynamic that caused a lot of friction between us both. There was also this lack of fundamental chemistry. I almost felt like our relationship was artificially attaining new heights rather than us doing the proper groundwork that goes into a genuinely strong relationship. I didn't just want a house, I wanted a home. I didn't just want a relationship, I wanted love.
A man having his self together financially and being invested in the courting phase was for me just the minimum. Feelings come and go, but if feelings of being unfulfilled in your relationship are a constant even after working on it, then it's ok to move on. But if you're dating a guy who can offer you no tangible means of affection then your relationship is probably just one based off of feelings alone. I do not encourage people to entertain relationships purely based off of emotion. Emotions are fluctuating and won't carry you long term and I'm sure that your bum serves as a daily reminder to that fact.
For many of us we're handing over our cuffs this season. Breakups are never easy for anyone involved and this is especially the case if things are going really bad or really good between you too. But at least in the case of a bad relationship you can justify wanting to separate from your partner.
When things are going good you can't help but feel like the one with the problem. But I'm not in the business of telling black women to settle. Don't just settle for a man who's only offerings are dick and laughs. Black women deserve to be in happy and passion filled relationships, but you can have both a guy who's passionate and provides. Detach from your bum so that, that guy can come into your life. What are you afraid of?
“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”
― Erin Hanson
Lilith is a new blogger with an emphasis in writing and reflecting upon social agendas that effect black women. When not at her computer writing she is more than likely still at her computer, programming. On the rare occasion that Lilith isn't at her laptop you can attempt to find her exploring the L.A. food scene or attending workshops in creative writing.